No One Told Me!

As we grow and move through life, there are life events that occur that we were not prepared for. While most of us reject the advice we receive because we know better. We are wiser, smarter, or more resourceful than our best friends, parents, relatives, etc. Here is a list of things no one taught me that I had to learn along the road of life.

No one told me when using your parents’ car, remember your dad writes down the odometer and trip settings, so he knows how many miles you cruised around last night.

No one told me that you could only put so much water in a bottle of vodka before your mom’s screwdrivers taste like crap.

No one told me to never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Roughly translated, it means don’t drink until you pass out since all sorts of weird dreams happen.

Photo by freddie marriage on Unsplash

No one told me that puking in your date’s lap because you drank too much is not a good idea, especially if her dad is a cop.

No one told me women fart, and their farts are worse than men’s during their period.

No one told me I would have to learn my wife’s size and brand of feminine hygiene products.

No one told me after five or so years, neither you nor your significant other care you what you are doing in the bathroom. If they need something in the bathroom, they will walk right in.

No one told me that Facebook and Instagram post pictures immediately. A buddy of mine took a selfie in a mirror in his birthday suit, holding his newborn. He thought he only captured his son. In reality, he captured also caught his rocket that helped conceive his son. It was all hanging out for three hours until his wife called him and asked him if he was a male prostitute looking for work.

No one told me that it is harder to work with a hangover than studying with a hangover in college.

No one told me that there is always a kiss ass at work who relays to the boss everything.

No one told me that college professors expect you to adult in their class and complete your assignments on time.

No one told when a police officer pulls you over for speeding, don’t say “I know people” Because she might ask, “Well, sunshine, who do you know that I am supposed to be afraid of. “

No one told me that your ex-girlfriend friends would have new affectionate names for you like asshole or dickhead after breaking up with her.

No one told me if you are the last to leave the bar, you would have to cover for any shortages on the bar tab.

No one told me your body revolts after age 40. You hurt after exercise or sports and cannot recover from a hangover as fast as you did at 25.

No one told me the same shit I pulled on my parents they did to their parents. If you get away with something, it is only because your parents let you do it.

No one ever told me, showing up is 50 percent of success. The rest is hard work. I used to think being smart was all that mattered.

No one ever told me money talks, bullshit walks. There were times I was rich in stink.

No one told me the pity train always leaves the station with you as the only passenger.

No one ever told me that you could not be successful without the help of others. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps is a lie. You always have some support if you are honest and helpful to others.

No one told me that Boomers would suck. I am a boomer, and now I suck. Boomers created a new world order in the 60s and are responsible for much good in the world. We are also in massive denial as to how much we fucked up.

No one told me life would be hard, but it would also be beautiful despite the challenges and disappointments.

What did you learn that no one told you? Feel free to respond in the comments. Peace, coffee, and donuts!